Spam for breakfast

Spam Rant Du Jour

From: Marlon Pike (hmm, sounds a little fishy . . . ar ar ar)
Subject: Without This, You Failed Ferris

I failed ferris? Ferris wheel? How can anybody possibly fail ferris wheel? It's the easiest ride at the fair, next to the kiddie-go-round. I guess pulling up the safety bar, standing up in the swing-seat, rocking violently back and forth, and wildly flapping one's arms could ultimately lead a person to ferris failure. But I've always been a sufficiently serene rider, a contented cog in the carny's Big Wheel. So, the first problem with this email is that it's misinformed. Marlon just doesn't know me.

But if I actually had failed ferris wheel and lived to tell about it, to what would I now be attributing my [ahem] downfall? What's the one critical thing I'd confess I lacked in my corn dog days? Balance? Common sense? A seatmate willing to strongarm me? A stable level of beta-endorphins? Magnets in my shoes? Is this what Marlon is hoping to sell me? Marlon, are you a Nikken distributor? Okay, so that's problem number two with this email: manipulative salesmanship. Just tell me what you're selling up front and let me decide if I have a need for it. Don't try to humiliate me by reminding me that I once fell out of a ferris wheel (which I didn't), and thus secure a sale.

After reading the body of Marlon's message, I realized I'd had him all wrong; he never intended for me to wear magnets, or to feel better, or to ride with a friend. He wants me to send him money so I can announce to the world that I'm educated. He's got my answer, the great trick that will prevent me from taking more embarrassing and possibly fatal nosedives and splatting on the pavement. I can easily (and, no doubt, cheaply) acquire that coveted and oh-so-useful college degree I've dreamed of. In no time at all I could even be calling myself Doctor. Quick, painless, ignorant status can be mine with one phone call, one brief transfer of credit card funds. Wow.

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This is 0ne t|me mai-|ing. N0 re-m0 val are re-quired
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That's Mr. Pike's third strike: he's selling validity for the price of integrity. I'd rather interrupt the ride at its highest point and take a flying leap than buy into such idiocy and desperation. Please tell me this isn't evidence of the law of supply and demand. Marlon, baby, don't ever make the mistake of riding the ferris wheel with me; you'd be kissing your corn dog goodbye.