19 March 2015
Mothers need mothers
I have gotten a later start than some on mothering, but my hope and plans are to keep myself clear-minded, able-bodied, and strong enough to love well for a long, long time to come. If Moxie has a child herself one day, there will be times when she cries for her own mother's comfort and wishes for familiar relief and support, and maybe perspective. I want to be able to give her that relationship, in the flesh. I want to remember what the good times and the hard times feel like, so she'll have an empathetic friend in me. Even if she doesn't have a child—of course! But right now I'm having specially keen grandmotherly visions because I miss my own mama so much. I wish she would come walking through my front door. Mothering is kicking my butt. Yes, I love it. It shreds me some days.
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I'm typing through tears because (a) I am so shredded today (only one more hour, you can do one more hour, self!) and (b) I think of your mom and your Gram so often when I look at pictures of Moxie and think of the line of women she has been so blessed to join. It's a regal matriarchy! I know so well that feeling of needing your mom, luckily mine has been healthy enough to be with me for the boys after I thought I'd lost her. Bless your mama heart. Bless your mama dreams. (One of the beauties of late-life child rearing is the motivation to stay well...I might be tempted to really let myself go if I only had teenagers, or an empty nest right now because I'm ready to embrace my old ladyhood; but I have a part-time job of self-care right now because Ammon makes me say to myself each day, 'must stay happy and active for at least 25 more years!') I hope you do feel your mama close by; I'm sure it breaks her heart to see you need her from across the veil. <3 love, Jamie
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