05 December 2007

Get a wife

One of the treasures I found in my basement during our recent purge was this [ahem] book I wrote for a friend of mine. An old boyfriend, actually, but the terrific kind you end up wanting to keep as a pal forever and who gets along famously with your husband. I'm guessing it's been a decade at least since I composed this piece of chummy chutzpah. I base so much of my time reckoning on my dogWas that the pre-Izzy period? Or did it happen after he came to live with us?—and in this case, I can't quite recall if we were with or without our pet. At any rate, Dave (that's the friend who was the lucky object of my concern) was living in Las Vegas, and we were in frequent contact by telephone and computer. Dave was living the life of a swingin' but lonesome bachelor, and seemed both eager and reluctant to settle down. After a long string of melancholy communications from him, I decided it was time to lay the lecture on the line.

But I couldn't do it in the usual way. Regular old rude finger-waggling just ain't my style. So, armed with way too many magazines, a pair of scissors, some bond paper, a glue stick, and tongue in cheek, I commenced with my sage advice.

Luckily, I made myself a photocopy of my masterpiece of motivation, and sent him the technicolor original. It's fun to relive this little moment of our lives.

By the way, not too long after my ransom note-style discourse, Dave pulled on his trunks, dove into the gene pool, and surfaced with the woman of his dreams. They were married in Boston, and I'm assuming they lived happily ever after, but I can't say for sure; it's been a while since we've heard from them. Time to do a people search.

Enjoy. (Don't forget to click on the images for a larger view if you aren't able to read some of the microscopic details.)

P.S. The parenthetical statements are supposed to be Dave's muttering responses to my sermon, more or less. Just an FYI. Also, the "calcium-enriched"/medical page references a sobering sort of health scare Dave passed through (and eventually vice versa) during that time, which, shall we say, served to get his attention as touching all issues manly and procreative. Ouch, ouch, ouch.


Lucky Red Hen said...

Wow... that's a LOT of work! I hope it was on display at his wedding hahaha. You're one of the most clever people I know!

b. said...

You forgot to mention the DSB factor.

You are seriously hilarious!!

Geo said...

LUCKY. I really think that whoppin' stack of magazines filled the measure of its creation!

B. What's the DSB factor? Enlighten me.

Becca said...

i totally love this. although from my personal experience you could have told him to get a wife in any form and you would have done it gracefully; you seem to be exceptionally good at saying what needs to be said in a loving way.

Becca said...

p.s., feedblitz is totally unreliable!

Rynell said...

Wonderful! That is creative genius at work.

i i eee said...

Okay. You just made my day.

Thanks so much for sharing that, and taking the time to scan it in and stuff. :)

Brooke said...

i love it and i think it should be published. honestly.

for i have at least three boys in my life that i could give it to for christmas.

Anonymous said...

Hi Georgia,
You are amazing.

Is this the Dave I remember from all those years ago..."granola boy Dave"?? that used to visit you during the time I was camped in your beautiful apartment in Provo.

I mainly wanted to ask you/let you know I placed a link to your journal on mine: http://www.sunboxstudio.com/blog/jenny/

My web server crashed this summer and I'm finally getting that sorted our again.

Also wanted to let you know I've been checking in on your site rather regularly....and enjoying.


Geo said...

BECCA. Actually, I probably did sneak a few "suggestions" into our phone conversations too, but as a writer and a natural-born comedian, he always responded really well to stuff on paper. So did I, for that matter. I think his letters are really the only ones of the boyfriend genre that survived my early marriage purge. Not because he and I had the closest relationship of all, but because he is just so durn funny that I couldn't think of destroying the evidence.

Yeah, sometimes Feedblitz lets me down too. But now I'm beginning to wonder if Google isn't the real problem—the past couple days I've noticed that I am not getting an email like I'm supposed to each time someone leaves a comment here, and I wonder what else is shooting out into the ether without my ever seeing it.

RYNELL. Now, if I could only write a real book!

I I E EE. I just stuck it together with a scan . . . the scan of loooooove . . . .

BROOKE. You've got a collection of bachelors!

JENNY. Hi!!! I'm glad to know I can access your blog again. You were lost to me for a while, and I couldn't figure it out. I just resubscribed to your blog.

No, this Dave is definitely not a granola. He's a great-grandson-of-a-prophet-turned-bartender/writer/professional gambler/librarian. Such a great, great guy. I was trying to find a photo of him this afternoon. As soon as I do, I'll share.

Thanks for the link! I'm off now to post one to you as well. xoxo

Am'n2deep said...

Honestly, if that didn't work, nothing ever could've. I agree with becca...you have a rare gift indeed.

Maybe you could use some of that power of persuasion and get the google people on this problem already! It's bumming me out!

Geo said...

AM'N. Apparently, lots of people are having this problem. I looked around the Blogger Help links till I found a group to join and left some comments. One of the Google guys has responded and is attempting to figure out the problem. Cross your fingers. It's aggravating, indeed.

compulsive writer said...

Brilliant! You really should have gotten a copyright on that and sold it for millions. It's definitely a message that needs to be heard.

I love your creative mind and your impeccable sense of humor.

E-coach said...

I love it too and you publish books already. Fanciful books. Why not this one? It would be a great gift for so many to give. Call it "One - as in Single."
Let me know when it's completed ;)

Kalli Ko said...

love this book.

men are so clueless

Geo said...

C-DUB. Maybe it's not too late. You all are giving me idears.

Thanks for thinking I'm funny. I mean funny ha-ha.

E-COACH. You are MY Janet, yes? If so, then you know that this might not be the best candidate for letterpress (embossed ransom notes?), but really it might be fun to branch out into one of the less fartsy print techniques for a project like this.

Thanks all for the encouragement. Maybe, maybe. I'll have to see if Dave's still got the original. Hmmm.

KALLI. Maybe someday I'll end up cutting up another pile of magazines for the female version of this Big Lecture!

Katrina said...

This is fantastic! You are so crazy creative!

Jory Dayne said...

Oh man -- this should be published -- I need to give a copy to my roommate!

Geo said...

KATRINA. With the emphasis on crazy, I can swallow that. Thanks!

JORY. I'll see what I can do.

SusieQ said...

You are So clever. And what a good friend you are.