It almost makes me crazy wondering why sometimes. For instance, why, in just the space of six days, have I been to two funerals for two babies, and had loved ones attend two others? Right in the middle of this dying and burying, another friend's baby was born--and though the baby was considered high-risk at first, she is coming along nicely now. On the day of her birth she weighed in at a mere two ounces less than ten pounds, and that in spite of the fact that she came a month early. Her parents are both 18 ("and-a-half"), not married, not sure of anything -- themselves, or each other.
Why did committed families who planned and worked for and wanted their babies lose them? Why did two teens who will likely move quickly on emotionally, as most teens do, and struggle to make sense of young single parenthood, "slip up" and have a child at all, a third person who has already tied them together and changed their lives irreversibly?
I don't ask these whys with my fist or even my head shaking. I ask why because I know there are answers. Maybe they aren't all my answers, but perhaps in a way they are.
I have whys about my own life. Okay, and I have whys about my own babies. Sometimes I'm in a hurry to fill in this life's take-home quiz questions before I've read my assigned chapters. Something (Someone) knowing whispers to me repeatedly, "Stop trying to see the end from the beginning."
Why did these loving mothers and fathers lose their beautiful children? These babies are angels now, strong and perfect. Carrots dangling before the noses of parents who ache for reunion and who want to believe.
Why does an adolescent girl need a fat, blinking, adorable earthly angel to care for? Will this child be her carrot? A carrot for the boy too?
Seems like I've been standing in the middle of my own field lately, forgetting to walk, sighing at the carrot which I can never seem to reach. This is all wrong; I've got to get back to work. This is a trance, not a real rejuvenating rest. I like carrots. It's gonna be a crunchy, juicy, flavorful carrot. Gimme the carrot. Must. Chase. That. Carrot. Step, step, step, walk, walk, pull that plough. Carrot.
God isn't cruel. Whys have answers, good answers.
And carrots are good for your vision.